What Does Sexy Mean? & #SpreadTheKindness Link Up #185
The actual definition of sexy is a very simple one. According to Merriam Webster, sexy is defined as sexually suggestive or stimulating, erotic; generally attractive or interesting, appealing. As simple as the dictionary definition may be, the overall feeling of sexy is so much more complicated.
Last week I shared a post about the importance of loving our bodies and while I struggle through cycles of both negative and positive body image, I really fight with the idea of being or feeling sexy. And I have to admit that compliments of the sort that imply sexiness make me really uncomfortable for some reason.
I am not talking about feeling or being sexual. That I can do. When the feeling strikes, I can throw down in the bedroom like a paid porn star. But just being or feeling sexy outside of the bedroom in every day life is a super weird concept to me. Tell me I’m sexy and I will cringe. Because quite frankly, I just don’t see it. Or feel it. Or really even understand what exactly that means to the person delivering the compliment.
To be clear, I am not fishing for compliments. I have already stated how very uncomfortable those types of compliments make me. The purpose of writing this post has nothing to do with seeking compliments. The idea for this post actually came from my therapist. I was discussing with her last week my personal issues with feeling sexy and she gave me some homework. That is what this post is about….completing the homework assignment from my counselor.
She asked me a simple question, “Well, what does sexy mean to you? Can you define it?” I stared at her in silence while I contemplated her question and all I could come up with was that I have no idea what sexy means to me nor do I have a clue how to define that word in terms as they would apply to my life. So she issued the homework assignment…to think about the question and have an answer prepared for my next session.
So here we go, after a lot of thought and contemplation, here are some of the things that I consider sexy. In any and all genders.
A sense of humor. The ability to laugh at the ridiculous. The capacity to make jokes on the fly. The appreciation for laughter even in the most uncomfortable situations. A sense of humor about one’s self, being able to laugh at yourself and not take things too seriously all of the time. That is sexy to me.
Easy conversation. I am not talking about small talk either. I am not a fan of small talk. But if the conversation is easy and stimulating and entertaining and makes me laugh, well then I find that rather sexy.
Intellectual thinking. While I like easy conversation, I thrive on intellectual and philosophical conversations as well. If you can challenge me and make me think from different perspectives, that is a huge turn on from a sexiness standpoint.
Effective communication. There is so much to be said for effectively communicating with another person. And when it is easy to communicate without too many incidents of misunderstanding (it happens to us all sometimes), I find that to be a very sexy quality.
Self confidence. We all know it and most of us agree with it…self confidence (not arrogance or conceit) is an incredibly sexy quality in any person.
Self care. Taking care of yourself indicates that you have self love and self love is an appealing characteristic and can be quite sexy. An evident lack of self care sends the message that you don’t even consider yourself worthy, so why should anyone else. Self care is a desirable trait, indeed. And a very sexy one, too.
Kind, sensitive, and caring. There may be some people who find aggressive, cut throat, competitive people very sexy. I am not one of those people. I am much more drawn to soft spoken, kind, sensitive, caring individuals who are confidently and bravely genuine and true to themselves.
I have just listed seven qualities and traits that define sexiness to me. These traits are what I find appealing in other people and what draws me to them. They are the qualities I look for in romantic or intimate partnerships as well as my friendships and my social circles. And not a single one of these mentions anything about physical appearance.
So why the hell am I so hung up on all this body image bullshit? Why are any of us really? I never had a “type” of person that I found attractive based on physical attributes of any sort. I don’t really care if you are short or tall or fat or skinny. If your skin is white, pink, yellow, red, orange, brown, or any other shade of pigment, it’s really all the same to me. Long hair, short hair, curly hair, straight hair, no hair, gray hair, white hair, red hair, blue hair. All lovely. What you look like is really of no consequence when it comes to sex appeal in my opinion. It is all the other amazing things that make us unique and wonderful examples of sexy human beings.
So I guess the next time someone tells me they find me sexy, I will try to focus on the non-physical qualities that may have triggered such a response. An attractive mind and personality will take you much further in this world, I believe. Looks will fade and our bodies will change. But the essence of who we are will remain the same. And if it is sexy that you want to be, it can mean whatever the hell you want it to mean. So go on with your beautiful, intelligent, witty, funny self and be sexy.
What does sexy mean to you?
P.S. I am not really certain what exactly it is that cowgirls do better. In fact, I am not really certain that I am qualified to wear such a tee shirt or outfit. But it was fun, so I wore it!
And now the featured favorites from last week.
Reader Favorites (Most Clicked)
Nancy of Nancy’s Fashion Style shared her post, Food, Family & Friends Throwback Tuesday #11. She is definitely showing us how to make the best of a pandemic summer during a heat wave!
Moumous of LaMoumous shared her post, 12 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Buying Clothes. She shares lots of great tips for how to minimize those impulse buys that have finally overflowed my closet! Plus, her amazing outfit has me in a downright swoon!
Fashion Favorite
Lizzie of Lizzie in Lace shared her post, The Romantic White Summer Dress You Need This Season. I was all about the little white dress earlier in the summer, but I seem to have shifted away from it. Lizzie’s gorgeous white dress has me inspired to look to this versatile closet staple for some fall styling. I am thinking combat boots and moto jackets with dainty feminine white dresses.
Non-Fashion Favorite
Darlene of Aquamarina Style shared her post, Productivity During the Pandemic. I am certain that many of us have struggled with productivity levels these past 5 months. I know I sure have. But I really love Darlene’s perspective and it has definitely inspired me to give myself more credit for things done as well as more motivation to keep focusing forward.
Keeping it on the edge,
Shelbee
Linking up with these Fabulous Link Parties.
Shop my look…
Outfit Details: Tee Shirt-Torrid / Shorts and Boots-Target / Belt-Gap / Earrings-Good Life Gift Shop / Necklace-c/o Zaful
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
I am a midlife woman, wife, and stay-at-home mother of 2 boys and 2 cats. I have a passion for helping other women feel fabulous in the midst of this crazy, beautiful life.
56 Comments
Tamar A Strauss-Benjamin
I so agree with you – using that as an adjective makes me uncomfortable in day to day life. it’s a good word for partners when the time is right!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Tamar, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on the topic. It really is an uncomfortable word, isn’t it?
xoxo
Shelbee
Nancy
Guess what? But really guess what! I just finished my this Friday post and guess who is my Fancy Friday Favorite? Haha, it looks like we agreed on that! Thanks ! I appreciate that! I think a man, because for me a woman can look sexy but I don’t think she is sexy, is sexy when he has a great sense of humor and self confidence. Not a perfect body, or the looks of a actor or something like that!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Aw, Nancy, you are too cute! Thanks so much! And yes, I agree, sexiness definitely comes from personality way more than it does from physical appearance. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on the topic, my friend. I hope you have a wonderful day.
xoxo
Shelbee
Kathrine Eldridge
I agree with all these qualities that you listed. I think it’s hard for you to think of yourself as sexy because it’s tied in the emotional part of you that hasn’t accepted yourself unconditionally. That’s a guess but I do that to myself as well. Thanks for sharing what you are working on with your counselor. Love this tee and shorts look!
https://www.kathrineeldridge.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thank you so much, Kathrine! I think I have accepted myself unconditionally as not sexy! Haha. Silly and funny and kind and caring, yes. Sexy, maybe not so much. But in all seriousness, maybe you are correct and that is definitely a perspective worth exploring for me. But the big question remains…how do you accept yourself unconditionally? I really appreciate you joining the discussion, my friend. Have a fabulous day!
xoxo
Shelbee
Jennifer
Yes! I think it all comes from confidence and how you feel about yourself!!
Jennifer
Curated by Jennifer
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Jennifer! I hope you are having a great week.
xoxo
Shelbee
Bojana
What an interesting question to define. It seems simple but as I sit here and think about it, I would struggle to define it concisely and quickly. It’s a great question to really reflect on as you did. When I read all the qualities you listed, I could identify and agree with them all. Yet, I think the initial definition of sexy for me is that first physical attraction, and then the qualities you defined is the sustained version of sexiness, the one that I seek after the initial 2 seconds. I really enjoyed reading this post. Thanks and have a great week.
bosbodaciousblog.blogspot.ca
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Bo, thank you so much for such an insightful comment. It really is a hard concept to define and I would guess that it means different things to different people…the same as beauty would. I get way too hung up on the physical as well. I think most people probably do. But I wonder why because our looks and our bodies are in a constant state of flux and change. If we find the sexy, attractive qualities in the non-physical, I think we stand a chance of much longer lasting relationships, don’t you think?
xoxo
Shelbee
Jessica A Jannenga
I enjoyed reading this Shelbee and think you descriptions of what is sexy is wonderful. I find many of those attributes sexy as well. So true about self care and how one takes care of themselves. If you care for yourself and show confidence that is sexy to me. Intelligence and the ability to carry on a conversation that isn’t just superficial is sexy to me. It really is much more than outward appearance.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Jess, for sharing your ideas about what it means to be sexy. I think at first when we meet someone who may be a love interest, the physical attraction needs to be there to get the ball rolling. But the importance of that fades so quickly as you learn another’s personality. It has always been way more about personality than physical appearance for me.
xoxo
Shelbee
Jessica A Jannenga
I did want to say I love the tee and those cute shorts with the boots. I think I may try a jean short-tights and boot look for Fall. 🙂
Enjoy your day!
jess xx
http://www.elegantlydressedandstylish.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks, Jess! I am wearing jean shorts today with fishnet stockings and Converse and I feel super cute! I am hoping to share that look this week if I can get myself motivated to write stuff. I look forward to seeing how you rock the tights and shorts look for fall!
xoxo
Shelbee
Jill
I never really thought about it from this aspect before but I have to agree that sexiness comes from self-confidence and being comfortable in your own skin. Your cowgirl tee is so fun! Love this casual look!
Jill – Doused in Pink
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Jill, thanks so much! It surprised me how thrown I was by my therapist’s question. I had no idea that it would be so difficult to define such a simple word.
xoxo
Shelbee
Becky
I absolutely love this post—I’ve actually gotten deep in the physical aspect of this question and ended up in the personal preferences of smell, taste, touch lol
You look so cute!! And it’s interesting when someone gives a compliment about being specifically sexy, but like anything, it depends on situational context, delivery, tone, etc…
Fun concept you’re exploring!! Thanks for sharing!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Becky, thanks so much! It is so great to hear from you. I have been meaning to message you to check in but you know how life gets in the way all too frequently! And then I get all caught up in pondering questions like what it means to be sexy! Haha. Hopefully, I will be making my way south some time in the next 6 months or so. Maybe we can have a drunken philosophy session when I do!
xoxo
Shelbee
Michelle
I have found in true kindred spirit in you. I have never found myself attracted to anyone based on appearance. Do I notice pretty men and women? Sure. But to me, they are like art; not someone with whom I want to have some kind of relationship. For me, the #1 trait combo that will get my attention is intelligence coupled with emotional maturity. And I have found under this umbrella, a sense of humor, self-confidence, and kindness usually follow.
Great topic!
Michelle
https://mybijoulifeonline.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Michelle, thanks so much for this wonderful comment! We definitely are kindred spirits on so many different levels. I agree that all of the 7 qualities I named do kind of all fall under the same umbrella of an emotionally mature and stable person. For me, a sense of humor is so important. I always say if you can make me laugh daily, I’ll stick with you for life!
xoxo
Shelbee
Jacqui Berry
I agree sexyness comes within us! You look great Shelbee, love the shorts. Jacqui x
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Jacqui! I hope your week is off to a great start!
xoxo
Shelbee
Carrie @ Curly Crafty Mom
Oh, I just love this cowgirl tee on you with those boots. The lace hem on the shorts is fun, too. I think confidence is something we all struggle with when it comes to self image… but, once we get past that we can def. feel sexy!
Carrie
curlycraftymom.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Carrie, thanks so much! I agree with you completely. Self image is a struggle for all of us, but I think once we tap into the really great parts of ourselves, we find these incredibly fascinating people hiding behind our physical appearances. And fascinating is also sexy!
xoxo
Shelbee
Nora Minassian
I agree that so much of it has to do with self confidence and accepting yourself and be comfortable with your body and looks. Only you can do that for yourself, it’s within all of us. Fun look on you Shelbee 🙂
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Nora, such a great way to put it! I agree with you completely. Thanks so much for the lovely compliment and for joining the discussion!
xoxo
Shelbee
eva @ StyleMyThrift.com
agreed, agreed, agreed…
i am sexy by all the reasons you say above, but i don’t need to put it out there… (also i’m married, probably not appropriate anymore, since technically that’s me fishing for a mate lol!)…. but sexy comes from other parts of me that is not my hoo-hah and my headlights… but i love having sex appeal—i love my legs and wearing a skirt to show them off…i love my long hair and wearing it down once in a while….my idea of sexy is not the traditional sense…i taught my teen girls sex appeal comes from confidence and having something like a viewpoint in their heads….
omg, i could go on and on and on….such a great topic!
xo eva
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Eva, thanks so much for joining the discussion! It really is a thought provoking one, isn’t it? You know, I have my physical attributes that I love like my legs and long hair! Both make me feel feminine and strong and sexy and physically appealing. But it really does come down to all the other nonphysical stuff to feel really truly sexy. I think it is about self confidence and the ability to not take ourselves too seriously too often. Btw, I totally laughed out loud at “hoo-hah and headlights”!
xoxo
Shelbee
Ashley
I totally agree on your what-makes-someone-sexy points! I personally find a sense of humor so sexy. And I agree that it can feel really weird/out of place at first to try and think of “sexy” outside an actual sexual event, but this was such a great read and reminded me that sexiness isn’t just for the bedroom alone!
-Ashley
Le Stylo Rouge
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Ashley, thanks so much! I love the message that you took away from this post…”sexiness isn’t just for the bedroom alone”! And like you, a sense of humor is my number one requirement for any long lasting relationship! Make me laugh and I’ll stick around forever!
xoxo
Shelbee
Darlene
Thank you, Shelbee, for featuring my post along with the other amazing fashion posts. So much inspiration! I’m so glad mine spoke to you. And let me say that I am in awe of your assignment! What a brilliant question to ponder! I especially like the qualities in the definitions you came up with, particularly sense of humor. What is sexier than finding somebody who “gets it” like you do?!! Also, self-confidence, able to converse and communicate…all of those things. An important concept to think about. Thanks for sharing your thoughts–and making me think.
xx Darlene
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Darlene, thank you so much for such a wonderfully insightful comment. It really is a challenging question to answer. I am not sure if I need to go further into the physical attributes that I find sexy, but I am quite satisfied with my definition. However, I am not sure that defining it the way I did makes me feel any sexier personally! Haha. And I believe that is what was at the heart of the assignment. But we are all works in progress all the time!
xoxo
Shelbee
Christina Morley
Great answer! I totally agree. Thanks for always hosting this Spread the Kindness Link-Up! Wishing you a lovely day.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Tina! It seems most are in agreement that sexiness comes more from personality than from looks!
xoxo
Shelbee
Joanne
I was thinking of this post this morning while at Alec’s karate class. I’m sitting in the park and a big/ tattooed guy walked by with his baby in the stroller carrying a diaper bag and her pink blanket taking her for a walk on the trails and I thought– that! I find a man who is an attentive, caring father or a sweet, attentive husband to be sexy. I always tell my husband he’s at his sexiest when he’s cleaning house with/for me or bonding with his boys and they’re laughing together.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Joanne, I love this! And I am totally with you! A man who is in dad mode like that is incredibly sexy! When I catch my husband being really darling with my boys, I often tell him that I am having a momgasm! Haha. It is absolutely a turn on. Thanks so much for sharing this with me!
xoxo
Shelbee
Cheryl Shops
I blame Victoria’s Secret for ruining the word sexy with their male-directed ideals (big boobs, big hair, big lips, etc.). Sexy is subjective. Way to take it back!
Cheryl Shops | http://www.cherylshops.net
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Aw, Cheryl, thanks so much! There is definitely much more sex appeal in a great personality than there is in a perfect body. Whatever the heck a perfect body is. Well, I think my doctor might have her ideas about what makes a perfect body based on the way she scowled at me this week and told me I was overweight with extraordinary disdain in her eyes. Not the best appointment ever. I mean, I am very aware of my weight but I was so excited that I had managed to lose 10 pounds! Ha. Joke was on me. I will take back the little bit of body confidence I had from that wicked woman, too! I hope you are having a wonderful week!
xoxo
Shelbee
Laura Bambrick
I completely understand where you are coming from! It’s hard to have that sexy quality. I think you did a wonderful job of breaking it down and I know my issue mainly stems from self-confidence (or lack of). But all the qualities you mentioned are those I find attractive and sexy in others!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Laura, thanks so much for joining the discussion! It really is difficult to capture the essence of sexiness. I do have fleeting moments when I feel sexy, but they are few and far between, for sure. And self confidence is an entirely different issue that I am constantly battling as well! I hope you are having a wonderful week!
xoxo
Shelbee
Grace
First off, love your look as always Shelbee! I always enjoy reading your posts because you bring a unique perspective on different topics. For years I struggled with my self-image and I came to realize that much of how I viewed myself was linked to my self-esteem. I think the traits you listed above are very important and are things I look for in people I choose to spend time with (dating, friendship, etc.).
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Grace, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this topic. I have struggled with self esteem issues my entire life. It makes me wonder if any of us are immune to such issues. I think that is why I find it so important to discuss these topics and find ways to uplift one another. There is so much more to us than our physical appearance and that is what we should focus on. I hope you are having a great week!
xoxo
Shelbee
Gail
It’s a hard one to define but to me sexiness is a quality some women have when they are comfortable in their skin, have a languid and liquid frame, and a cheeky glint in the eye and subtle smile. I was trying to think of some celebrity examples. Madonna for one, but she is a bit too knowing and aware of her sexiness. When I see pictures of her in her Ray of Light days, she was wearing ethereal clothes and looked beautiful, and sexy. Whereas now she sometimes tries too hard when she doesn’t have to.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Gail, thanks so much for sharing your idea of what sexy means. Madonna is a great example, but like you said she may be too aware of her sexiness which diminishes the sexiness, doesn’t it? I wonder if she ever had self esteem or body image issues. The eyes and the smile are always where I look first as well. I think sexiness lives within us not in our appearance and the most vivid glimpses we can get of a person’s real self is through their eyes and smiles! Great comment!
xoxo
Shelbee
Patrick Weseman
Such a hard and loaded question to define. The reason it is loaded is that in this age and time, people get in trouble for defining what they think is sexy and saying in public.
For me, beisdes eyes and other things. It is someone who is authentic and organic from the way they dress, to their personal being, to the way they carry themselves and their likes and dislikes. It is about being who they are and not what the crowd is. Too many people are afraid of doing that.
One of my favorite sayings is “You were born an Original, Don’t die a copy.” If you can live that, than you are sexy. Too many people are always chasing whatever and trying to do things that others do. They do what a millions of others are doing and say “I am an independent person”, (Not trying to piss people off), they go to Pintrest and look at the fashion magazines and copy that. To me, it becomes too planned and caculated. If you are true to your original self then you are sexy. Just my humble view.
Looking nice as always. Thanks for hosting and I hope that you have a wonderful week.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Patrick, thank you so very much for joining this discussion. I am really glad to read the perspectives of a few different men on the topic. There seems to be an overarching theme in these comments that we all find authentic and genuine people sexy. There hasn’t been much mention at all about physical appearance other than eyes and smiles which are merely the gateways to all the good stuff that lies behind our physical appearances. Maybe it is just the people that read my blog who are not so vain as to qualify sexiness based only on physical attributes. But I do believe you are correct that even the use of the word sexy these days can get you in trouble. I appreciate your humble view and I think you are right on the money with it!
xoxo
Shelbee
Lizzie
Aw thank you so much for the feature, Shelbee!! Also, I totally feel you on this. In fact, I’m not really s fan of the word “sexy”… it just makes me cringe for some reason! But this post to me thinking about why I feel that way and I think it’s the uncomfortability of not really knowing what it means. I love everything you listed – those are qualities that are meaningful and positive <3
Lizzie
http://www.lizzieinlace.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Lizzie, thanks so much for joining the discussion. You know, now that you said it, I think that is where my hesitation about the word comes from as well. I am not sure what it means so I never know a person’s intentions when they say it. I think you can compliment someone by calling them sexy and it not be a sexual comment or advance. I guess it is all in the delivery and intent! But I get super creeped out when strange men on IG comment that I am sexy. Like….noooooo thank you! But when my husband says it, I should be flattered and uplifted. Wow, it really is a complicated subject!
xoxo
Shelbee
Lovely
I love your shorts, it’s so cute! You look so stunning hun!
xoxo
Lovely
http://mynameislovely.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Lovely, thanks so much! You are so kind! Have a fabulous day.
xoxo
Shelbee
Lucy Bertoldi
Shelbee you always bring out a smile and chuckle!! You just say it as it is- I love that!! Your points are right on for me too- appealing and sexy is all that you said! xx
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Lucy, thanks so much! Some people find me a bit…um…over the top and probably a little weird! Ha. I am glad that I could make you chuckle!
xoxo
Shelbee
Emma Peach
You’re so right Shelbee – personality is much more important than physical appearance. I could never find an attractive but boring or unkind person sexy. I knew my husband for six years before we got together…it was definitely not love at first sight!
Emma xxx
http://www.style-splash.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Emma, thanks so much for joining the discussion! I am right there with you on all of this! There is so much to a human than just physical appearance. I have definitely met my share of people who were physically attractive but with awful personalities. I could never find an unkind person attractive either.
xoxo
Shelbee
Nailil
What a fun outfit Shelbee! I love that graphic tee and the boots. You look great in this cowgirl look. 🙂
Xx, Nailil
thirtyminusone.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Aw, thanks so much, Nailil!
xoxo
Shelbee