The Fab 40’s: Cold Hearted Snake or Perhaps Just Poly?
When Daenel first presented this month’s theme, Cold Hearted Snake, the first thing that happened was Paula Abdul started singing in my head. And now she won’t stop. While I never could proclaim that I was an avid Paula Abdul fan, I do hold her in the highest esteem for her amazing talents and her fabulous style.
I really should have recreated Ms. Abdul’s outfit from the official Cold Hearted video (circa 1989). It is still completely and magnificently in style three decades later. In any event, my mind went immediately to snakeskin prints and black leather with a nice large serving of badassery to go with it.
Staying in line with Paula’s sleek and sexy black sheer costume, I layered a sheer lace sleeveless top underneath a long sleeved snake print cropped top, leaving a little bit of barely visible skin for imagination’s sake. Black skinny jeans and moto jacket keep the look more 2020 than 1989. And my strappy green and black stilettos give all sorts of nods to 1980’s style. Finally, for the sake of all cold hearted snakes out there, I grabbed my snakeskin clutch just to make sure I’ve made my point.
Daenel’s little cold hearted theme also inspired me to revisit some classic music from the 80’s and 90’s. My coming of age years spanned between these two decades so the music from that era can really tap into some long lost memories both good and bad. As I have been revisiting this music, however, something struck me about the lyrics in many of the love songs from this generation.
It feels like the lyrics represent an era of heterosexual monogamy in which ownership and male dominance was considered the only right way to do relationships. If you did not fit into that box, you tried damn hard to make yourself fit. And when we finally began to realize that not everyone will fit into the same box, this is when social and conscious growth began to happen.
But humans are slow to change. It takes generations for a societal perspective to shift. Once the shift starts to be felt on a wide scale platform, that is when the arts will begin to reflect the new way of things. Here we are 30 years later and the music of the 2020’s still portrays relationships as heterosexual monogamous unions, but there is so much more music today that also shines light on the variety of different types of love and relationship styles that exist in the world.
I don’t think the concept of heterosexual monogamy will ever die, but as long as monogamy exists there will always be cheaters and cold hearted snakes. However, there is a shift occurring in the culturally accepted definition of romantic love that allows for ethical and honest “snaking” around when couples begin to openly discuss their needs within their relationships.
It is sad to me that cheating is not only expected in the realm of relationships, but it has also become wildly accepted as a societal and cultural norm. Yet there are so many different relationship formulas available that you really can and should create the ones that work best for you.
Okay, so here is the part where I am going to launch into a discussion about monogamy vs. polyamory. If the topic is of no interest to you, just scroll on down a bit to see the other cold hearted snake styles by my fabulous friends.
Recently, a reader commented on an article I had written on Medium about polyamory and her concern was that she had heard tragic stories about people’s relationships failing when they have tried to be polyamorous. My first response was, “And how many monogamous relationships fail in tragic fashion?” My second reaction was, “People don’t try to be polyamorous.” You either have the mindset or you don’t. Neither is right or wrong, just different. But your intimate partners have to be similarly minded on either side of it for the relationship to work.
You cannot force a monogamous person to be polyamorous, that just ends in either cheating or complete misery. And you cannot force a polyamorous person to be monogamous. That is very much like a lifetime of emotional torment being forced to build walls all around you and only let one person inside. Ick. That’s just not for me.
So many defend their stance against polyamory calling it “destructive” and “irresponsible” and “wrong” and “immoral” and “sinful”. But I have to say that some of the most destructive and irresponsible relationships I have ever seen have been monogamous ones. In fact, the healthiest and most successful relationships I have personally been in have been polyamorous. Different doesn’t mean wrong. And sharing more love and affection and care for more people cannot be wrong either.
I know that polyamory is a challenging concept for many people to grasp. I suppose it is easiest understood from the angle of sexuality. Remember how hard the gay population had to fight and continues to fight for their relationships and family structures to be socially accepted? The polyamorous community is a small part of that movement for the same acceptance. It really is time for us to stop being afraid of different and simply try to understand it.
So, yeah, this cold hearted snake idea took me deep into the heart of uncomfortable subjects. But I do like to tackle the hard stuff. For now, however, it is time for the fun stuff. Check out the other stylish ladies of the Fab 40’s.
The Fab 40’s is a group of five fashion bloggers from around the globe. Each month we choose a different theme with the goal of taking on style trends and showing how we each interpret and incorporate them into our own lives. With five widely varied views, you are certain to find something that speaks to you each month and encourages you to continue to have fun with fashion after the age of 40.
Daenel of Living Outside the Stacks
Daenel is looking so seriously sassy in this super cool graphic tee accessorized with just a hint of snakeskin in her pretty little ballet flats. Cool, calm, and casual in this fun outfit.
Ada of Elegance and Mommyhood
There is nothing cold hearted about Ada’s darling pink Swiss dot blouse, but that snakey necklace wrapped round her neck is all kinds of sexy paired with her sporty serpentine sneakers.
Outfit Details: Blouse and Jeans-Target / Belt-Gap / Slip-on Sneakers-DSW / Choker-Macy’s / Earrings-Express
Sheela of Sheela Writes
Sheela looks like she slithered right off the glossy pages of a style magazine in this cool cardigan that carries a strong resemblance to snakeskin prints. The proportions, the layering, and the print mixing are totally on point.
Outfit Details: Duster Cardigan-Shelbee’s Shoppe / Chartreuse Blazer-NY&Co / Pinstriped Shirt-Gifted / Jeans-H&M / Boots-can’t recall, it’s been too long / Sunnies-thrifted
Suzy of Suzy Turner Books & Style
Suzy chose a classic styling of wide leg trousers and a fitted snake print cardigan with a gorgeous snakeskin bag for a timeless approach to this the scaly pattern. This outfit is perfectly suitable for the office or for date night and basically everything else in between.
Outfit Details: Cardigan-H&M / Trousers-Massimo Dutti / Brogues-Hush Puppies / Handbag & Necklace-Gifts from mother-in-law
And me!
Outfit Details (Everything was shopped from my closet): Jacket and Clutch-Old Navy / Lace Top and Jeans-Torrid / Snakeskin Cropped Top-Charlotte Russe / Shoes-Nine West / Belt-BedStu / Ring-Michal Golan / Necklace-c/o Happiness Boutique / Earrings-Gift from a friend
Are you a fan of the snakeskin trend? How would you style it? But more interestingly, how do you do relationships? Are you open to the idea of various types of relationship structures, either personally or simply to just understand the vast richness that exists within the variety of human relationships?
Keeping it on the edge,
Shelbee
Linking up with these Link Parties.
Shop my look…
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
I am a midlife woman, wife, and stay-at-home mother of 2 boys and 2 cats. I have a passion for helping other women feel fabulous in the midst of this crazy, beautiful life.
28 Comments
Suzy
Shelbee, I love this so much! First off, it’s the fact that the Paula Abdul song inspired you. Gosh I used to LOVE her. She was so amazing back then (probably still is, but we never hear of her these days). I watched the video again, and it really took me back. I don’t think it was the best era for fashion but there were some amazing songs lol. But you’re right about the lyrics, which I never really took much notice of before!
As for your outfit, you look super sexy and sassy! I love how you tied everything together and just made it perfectly you. I still don’t like snake print very much though LOL! I’m excited to see what the next theme is going to be and I do believe it’s your choice for November!!!
Massive hugs, Shelbee <3 <3
Suzy xx
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Suzy! Do you really not like the fashions from the 80’s and 90’s?! I think there were some pretty fabulous trends back then that we can make modern and cool again! Honestly, I am not much of a snake print fan either which I think I mentioned in my comment on your post. I have a few pieces so it was easy to just start creating from what I have. Often, I struggle with themes in narrowing down my extensive wardrobe! And I forgot to mention that I did just purchase 2 snakeskin tote bags on a recent thrifting adventure. But the larger style bags did not suit this sassy snakey look! It is my turn for November and I think I have decided on a theme, but I am going to find a guest blogger first before I let you all know what it is. Happy Monday, my beautiful friend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Suzy
Some 80s styles were cool, I agree. But there are some things I’d rather not see again, like massive shoulder pads!! Odd socks — did you used to wear odd socks? Brightly coloured luminous ones in pink, yellow and green? If not, it might have been a weird fad in the UK! It was awful he he he.
As for 90s fashion, even though I was the same age as you, I can’t remember anything particularly memorable to be honest. I cringe when I see photos from that time. There just didn’t seem to be anything that memorable, not like the 40s, 50s, 60s or 70s that were really distinctive. Do you know what I mean? The only thing I remember is the grunge look and that wasn’t so great LOL!!
Hugs
Suzy xx
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Suzy, you make me laugh! And this was such a great explanation of the style eras that you do love! I totally wore crazy mismatched socks and even layered socks so you would get different bands of color! My least favorite trend from that era was stir up pants! They always fell down because they were hooked beneath your feet. Dumbest thing ever! Haha. I do love the grunge styles of that era as well as the layered slip dresses with sneakers. So cute! Neons I can do without though!
xoxo
Shelbee
Suzy
OMG I did love the layered slip dresses with sneakers!! I was also desperate for a pair of Reebok Hi-Tops. I think they might actually be back in fashion now though lol. I might have to get myself a pair considering I neer did get a pair as a kid!! As for the stirrup pants, I keep looking for a pair now because I think they’d be great to wear with my knee nigh boots LOL!!!
he he he he he he
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
I just bought a slip dress for the sole purpose of styling it 90’s style! And the Reebok trend was never my thing. I don’t think I have ever owned anything from Reebok! And if you find stirrup pants that don’t get all saggy in the crotch, I want to know about them! Because in theory, these pants are brilliant. In practice, they really kind of sucked. Haha.
xoxo
Shelbee
Jennifer
Your shoes are amazing!!
Jennifer
Curated By Jennifer
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Jennifer! I found these beauties at Burlington Coat Factory years ago for an absolute steal! Have a fabulous Monday!
xoxo
Shelbee
Tamar A Strauss-Benjamin
Those shoes — swoon!~
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Aw, thanks, Tamar! They were a steal at Burlington Coat Factory a few yeas ago. They are super comfortable, too, which is fabulous in a heel like this! Have a wonderful week, my friend.
xoxo
Shelbee
Ada Furxhi
I love reading your mature thoughts on polymorous relationships. They are not for me but I respect people who make this choice. No one should be judged on things that make us who we are and choices that make us happy!!
You layered two slinky little tops beautifully and even the lace one gives the illusion of snakes. And I swoon over those shoes!! I love what you wrote about my outfit too.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Ada, thanks so much, my friend, for this wonderful comment! I think the main point I try to make when I discuss these topics is exactly what you said…no one should be judged on how they love or live their life. I would never push polyamory on anyone the way people try to push monogamy on us. There are an unlimited amount of ways that humans can do relationships. I guess I just find it important to know that if one structure is not working for you. Maybe trying another way would be better. And if it isn’t, at least you tried. You know? I hope you have an amazing week ahead!
xoxo
Shelbee
Patrick Weseman
Looking so very hot (in all due respect), I love the look.
I must admit I hate that song. The reason is I was an intern at what was known at X-100 in San Francisco in 1988. I worked like 5-9 pm and management was bringing in a new DJ named Super Snake whose shift would be 7pm-10pm and the day before he started they asked me to go on the air (not say anything as I a voice made for mime) but run the board and play this friggin song from 7pm to 10pm as a promotion. Basically, the song was played back-to-back-to-back for three hours.
I was in the building alone and wasn’t answering the request line (which was my job and I had a groupie who would call every night-scary) and the station was playing the same song. About 9:00pm, the SFPD entered the building and started asking questions (management didn’t clue them into the promotion), basically WTF as they had gotten calls about something weird going on at the station. I was able to straighten it all out and since then I have not liked that song.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
OMG, Patrick, I don’t really like the song all that much and I would totally hate it for the reason you do if I had to hear it for 3 hours straight! What a bizarre story! And what the heck was it about the 80’s with the marathon playing of songs? I remember when MTV played Dire Straits’ Money for Nothing for 24 hours straight as some sort of promotion. Of course, that was back in the day when we had like 10 channels and MTV was the only thing that we kids watched. It was the dumbest thing and I cringe at the first few notes of that song. I have never liked it since. I am sorry for triggering such a bad memory! But I am glad that you liked my sassy outfit.
xoxo
Shelbee
Gail
A really interesting challenge! You look really hot Shelbee – those shoes!! Hope you lose that Paula Abdul ear worm quickly!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Gail! And the ear worm was gone until I started replying to comments! Hahaha.
xoxo
Shelbee
Michelle
Well, you know I love your outfit, but I love your topic even more. Occasionally Dan & I revisit some movie from the 60’s, 70’s or 80’s and I am always struck by the ownership concept that is so present in relationships of that time period. And not only ownership, but the belief that you have the right to control that partner. Blech.
Back when I was solo poly and spending time on the polyamory forums, it seemed that the relationships that fell apart were already in trouble in their monogamous form. Polyamory was an attempt to try to save a marriage already in trouble. But people see only the last thing a couple tried.
And then there were the assholes, both male and female, who tried to excuse their cheating by saying they were truly polyamorous as if that excused their dishonest behavior. Most proved to be serial monogamists rather than polyamorous.
So yeah, polyamory gets a bad rap.
Michelle
https://mybijoulifeonline.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Michelle, I am so glad that you commented on this post! Although I knew you would and I knew it would be a wonderfully thoughtful and intellectually stimulating comment! So thank you for that. I sometimes feel like I am fighting an uphill battle just to educate enough people so we can openly live openly! The irony of having an open relationship but having to closet that fact is irritating beyond belief! Polyamory does get a bad rap, but it is simply the humans themselves who fuck everything up…polyamorous, monogamous, any sexual orientation, any race, ethnicity, or religion…every human relationship that fails, fails because of the humans who participated in that relationship. So if people spent less time judging the way others do life and more time learning how to be decent humans, maybe then our work will be done and everyone will be free to love who and how many they choose!
xoxo
Shelbee
Rena
It’s… very… nice…
LOL. Thanks for including the video as well as the well thought out philosophical discussion. Both were quite enjoyable. And your spin on the theme is brilliant. I like how you think, girl!
Rena
http://www.finewhateverblog.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Aw, Rena, thanks so much, my friend! I’ve been feeling rather absent minded and shallow lately, it was time to go a little deeper with my writing! I hope it wasn’t too much!
xoxo
Shelbee
Lizzie
You are rocking this look girl! You go!
Lizzie
http://www.lizzieinlace.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks, Lizzie! I think I was way too cold to be rocking anything…except maybe rocking back and forth just to get warm!
xoxo
Shelbee
Mica
I hadn’t heard that song before, so thanks for sharing! Such interesting layering and a great texture mix with the lace and the snake print! those heels make such a statement too! 🙂
Hope that your week is off to a good start 🙂
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Mica, thanks so much! You probably wish you hadn’t heard that song now! It gets stuck in your head and it’s not really that great of a song. Haha I hope you are having a wonderful week, my friend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Nancy
Very cool and sexy! That was a long time that I heard anything from Paula Abdul. Very nice!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks, Nancy! This was a fun theme!
xoxo
Shelbee
Kathrine Eldridge
I love your take on this theme! I can’t stop hearing that song in my head now. Such a great video! Thanks for sharing your stance on this hard to talk about topic. I am learning a lot from you and I appreciate you going there and sharing your side.
https://www.kathrineeldridge.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Kathrine, thank you so very much for this comment! You have no idea how much that means to me. These topics that are near and dear to my heart are definitely ones that are hard to talk about. But in light of my post “To Thine Own Self Be True”, I need to stop being so afraid to share some of these major parts of myself because I am afraid of judgment. That old fear of judgment thing can certainly stop even the most shameless of us right in our tracks, can’t it? But seriously, I really do appreciate your support!
xoxo
Shelbee