Shelbee Says…”Do the Work”

“Dear Shelbee, I had been talking to a counselor about various issues in my life but I had to stop going because I was tired of the constant questioning of everything I do and feel. Everything wrong in my life is not all my fault. I get that I am responsible for my own behaviors, but there are other people to blame as well. What is the purpose of counseling if all it does it place blame on me? Nothing gets fixed that way. -Not to Blame”

Dear Not to Blame,

Life issues are not really a matter of blame at all. Life issues are just that…issues that we all deal with as we travel through this life. Attempting to assign blame for things that happen to us and how we respond to them is really a fruitless effort that will only bring you right back to a place of discontent. You have taken an important first step by acknowledging that you are responsible for your own behaviors. Keep in mind that your life is entirely within your control…not only by taking responsibility for your behaviors, but also by knowing that you have control over how you react to every situation in your life including every obstacle and every success. Your perspective makes all the difference. If you face the challenges with confidence and passion, you can and will turn them into successes. But if you choose to view each obstacle as something that someone else purposely placed in front of you with malicious intent, they can quickly become destructive.

Counseling is a great way to get to the heart of what drives you and to discover who you really are and what strengths you possess that will help you thrive in this life. Therapy will also help you to identify your personal weaknesses that could use some improvement in order to arm you with additional coping mechanisms to handle multiple life issues. A good therapist will challenge you to be extremely introspective. When you are meeting with a counselor, it should be about you and not about the other people in your life. For it to be effective, you need to be looking at yourself from every angle, in both positive and negative light. No one knows you better than you know yourself, so it is you who has to do the work.

And here’s the trick, knowing and accepting that the work is hard. It really is extraordinarily difficult and very often a painfully emotional experience. It is not for the faint of heart. Many people cannot handle the type of deep introspective work that is required to become the very best version of yourself. But if you begin the process with the understanding that it will be a painful one and allow yourself to be open to that, it will be a much more effective and beneficial process. Admitting all of your faults and flaws to yourself and to a third party is very intimidating and scary. But rather than placing blame on others, you must look to yourself to find the answers. Allow yourself to feel the pain and the frustration. But also recognize the positives about yourself as well.  And no matter how difficult and painful the work becomes, trust the process.

There is a certain amount of breaking yourself down that is required. Sometimes you have to break yourself down to the point that you are just a giant pile of miscellaneous confused pieces. You may hit the point where you wonder if you can ever put it all back together into a cohesive human being. This process, the breaking down and rebuilding, is some of the hardest work you will ever do. It’s really, really hard. And it’s really, really scary. Because you lose the person you thought you were. But as you lose yourself, you are also finding your way to your truest self. So while the work is probably the hardest work you will ever do, the reward is the most amazing one you can ever imagine.

At the end of the process, it is the most empowering and exhilarating epiphany when you realize that you have taken yourself, with all of your flaws and all of your strengths, and you have broken it down to nothing and then rebuilt it through your own pain and tears into the strongest and best version of yourself. At that point, all blame falls away and only credit is due. Due to yourself for doing the work, for persisting and sticking with the process no matter how difficult it became.  Without shame, without regret, without apology.

The power for creating the life you want lies right within yourself. You just need to do the work.

Shelbee

For more helpful self-care tips and ideas, check out the Spring Issue of Resilientista Magazine.

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*Remember to send me any questions, concerns, or topics that you would like me to discuss. I hope to publish this series every Sunday, but I need your input! Thanks so much!