How Pornography Saved My Sex Life

Low sex drive. Decreased libido. Zero interest in intercourse. Gah. Much to my husband’s disappointment, I have been dealing with these issues for quite some time. But what causes it and how do you fix it? At least fix it to the point where both parties in the relationship can reach a satisfactory compromise?

Seriously, I can go months without sex. And that’s not good. It really isn’t. It’s not good for my mental state. It’s not good for my husband’s mental state either. Resulting in a little bit of tension within our marriage around the issue of sex. I don’t want you to be mistaken, though. My marriage is very healthy and happy…outside of the bedroom.

I can give you a million reasons why I don’t want to have sex at the end of the day. Just ask my husband. He’s heard them all. I’m too tired. I can’t get out of mom mode. There’s too much on my brain to redirect my attention. I’m too tired. I have my period. I have a yeast infection. I’m too tired. I don’t feel well. There are too many other things I need to be doing right now. I feel disgusting. I’m too tired. I’m sure there are more reasons I have used. But you get the idea.

There are lots of statistics out there that explain decreased libido in women. Especially women my age. Apparently, it’s not that uncommon of a problem. You can read more about it here, here, and here. But regardless of the cause of the problem, what’s the solution?

For me, pornography has been one solution. For real. My biggest issue is getting in the mood. Turning off the brain. Redirecting my attentions from the chaos of the day to sex. Just redirect to sex. While I love a gentle caress from my spouse, a good long snuggle, or a intense massage,  those things only make me relax to the point of just wanting to go to sleep. I need an artificial and immediate way of putting sex on my brain. And pornography does just that.

As a woman who has gained a lot of weight in my middle age, watching pornography that features women with bodies similar to mine makes me feel sexy again. If they can be sexy like that, then so can I. When I was I pregnant, I felt awful about having sex. I felt so huge and disgusting and part of me felt just “not right” about doing it. So I watched pornography that featured pregnant women. This made me realize that I could be sexy and sexual with my big pregnant belly. So I owe a huge thank you to these women who work in the pornography industry. For they are doing a great service for women like me. (*Disclaimer: I do not condone any illegal activities that may occur in the sex industry. What I watch is legal activities between consenting adults who work in the sex trade willingly and for adequate pay.)

I have to admit that I have learned a lot from pornography as well. I have learned how to talk dirty. I have learned to think outside the box. I have learned that sometimes clothing is the sexiest thing I can wear in the bedroom. I have also learned that sometimes the sexiest thing I can wear in the bedroom is nothing at all. I have learned to role play. And I have learned that role playing is one of the best ways to get outside of my own head.  Most importantly, I have learned that there is absolutely nothing wrong with what we do in our bedroom. Whatever it takes to get us there…as long as we get there. And oftentimes, it is pornography that gets us there.

Outfit Details
Corset: Alayna Plus from Adore Me.
Faux Leather Skirt: Cato Fashions (Old).
Velvet Blazer: Thrifted.
Lace Shawl and Boots: I have had forever.
Choker: Walmart.

*This is not a sponsored post. All thoughts, opinions, and clothing are my own.
Photos by Aimee of 5 Memory Lane.

Have you struggled with decreased sex drive? Have you found a solution? My recommendations are to try something new.  Even if means artificially re-igniting that old spark.  Buy a new outfit or a sexy pair of shoes…just for the bedroom.  Invest in a new toy.  Find a video that makes you feel sexual again.  Think outside the box.  Hell, don’t just think outside the box…actually venture there.  See what happens.

I do want to add that pornography may not be for everyone.  And that is fine.  There are other ways to get that flame burning again.  The brilliant Sheela Goh shared an article with me recently that expresses the opposite view on this topic. You can read The Case Against Showing Your Porn to Your Partner here.

If you have also struggled with decreased libido, I would love to hear have you handled it. I am also open to suggestions that would help me along the way!

Keeping it real on the edge,

Shelbee

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I am a 40 something Army wife and stay-at-home mother of 2 boys and 2 cats named Dave and Frankie. I have a passion for helping other women feel fabulous in the midst of this crazy, beautiful life.

20 Responses

  1. Such an important post, thank you for sharing. I have struggled with this and I almost never think about sex, but I have understood how important it is to my partner and so I have become a willing follower rather than an unwilling roadblock. Inner fantasy helps me get there.

    • J, thank you so much for sharing your story. I love the way you have phrased that, too…”a willing follower rather than an unwilling roadblock.” So often, I get stuck in that “unwilling roadblock” mode and it is so difficult to get out of it. And I know my husband appreciates it when I initiate sometimes rather than him having to do all the work all of the time. That is an area that I definitely need to work on!

      xoxo
      Shelbee

  2. What a great post! And btw, you look tremendously sey! I think there are many women with this problem and that is why it is so great that you write about it.We also had these problems and we still do not have sex as often as my partner would want but we varied. We take pictures! And I can relax more then years ago, that helps. But the pleasure I do my partner is priceless.

    • Nancy, thank you so much for sharing your story here as well! I seriously wrote this post months ago and have been holding it ever since deciding when I wanted to post it! The outfit is completely outside of my comfort zone and certainly not something I would ever wear outside of the bedroom, so putting the photos out there was a little scary. That and sharing the intimate details can be a bit daunting. But it is an important issue and if I don’t start the conversation, I don’t know who will! So there you have it!

      xoxo
      Shelbee

  3. Great post lady! We can all relate, and for those that can’t, maybe you are still in the “newlywed” stage. Or a restart. Or single. Or a rareity….in a good way. And that is all awesome!

    But 15 years in, 2 young kids, 3 long deployments after said kids, and then unexpected body image/weight gain changes, and wallah, I can relate to your post.

    I am learning that travel works for us, resets us, new scenery, people watching, feeling alive in a new place/city, and we feel reconnected. And also glad to be home when we get back. But maybe I need to revisit this “porn thing” you speak of though lol. Very brave post and thank you for normalizing otherwise “behind closed doors” topics. And I think men (and women) don’t talk enough about all of these topics and life changes! It isnt just about popping a pill for some. Deep down changes need to happen, or the opposite, keeping it light!!!!!

    • Aimee, thanks so much for sharing your experience and your story on this topic. It is so important and we live in a world where sex is often glorified and then suddenly it becomes taboo to discuss. But it is a natural and normal human function. And it is important in our relationships with our partners. After the response I am receiving to this post, I am realizing that it is an issue that so many people deal with. And perhaps just opening the topic for discussion is helping others. And that is what I set out to do with this blog after all, isn’t it?! Help people the best way I know how. I am so glad I ventured into this topic.

      xoxo
      Shelbee

  4. Cheeselover

    Whoa! Sexy outfit and good for you, defending porn!

  5. Such an important topic for us mid-life women – thank you for your honesty and transparency. There’s no one answer to reduced sex drive, but I did learn much from your experience! Thanks for sharing, xox

    Patti
    http://notdeadyetstyle.com

    • Patti, thank you so much! This was definitely a topic that I was hesitant to discuss, but I suspected that there are many women who can relate and perhaps some that would benefit simply from my starting the conversation. The response has been overwhelming, so I am glad that I decided to tackle this topic!

      xoxo
      Shelbee

  6. I don’t think there is anythig wrong with watching porn at all, and if it helps with your sex life then so much the better!

    You look fabulous in that outfit, it is very sexy 🙂

  7. Girl…. you look amazing!! I always say whatever floats your boat then go for it 🙂 Sex is seen everywhere, yet its such a taboo topic. You are brave for stating your opinion and opening up a topic that some may feel like it’s too much to talk about!

    xo
    Mel

    • Thanks so much, Mel! It was a little scary to put that out there…but I’m not one to let fear stop me from doing anything! Ha. Apparently, the topic was too much for a 40+ plus Facebook group where I shared the post…because they removed my post without even letting me know…and after it had received an incredible response and an amazing dialogue in the comments on that particular page. I really wish I had the opportunity to have saved the comments because there was so much great stuff in the conversation that was initiated there. Oh well.

      xoxo
      Shelbee

  8. Thanks for keeping it so real.. Such great advise and so bold to feel able to share. I hesitiated over sharing about incontinence once and here you are showing us all the way. Great job

    • Linda, thank you so much for commenting! Keeping it real is what I do! And I remember your incontinence posts and commenting how awesome that you were keeping it so real! All the more power to both of us, my friend!

      xoxo
      Shelbee

  9. I’m not very pro-porn myself, but I’m happy you’ve seen some improvement in that area of your life and am proud of you for not being afraid to speak up about it! Thanks for joining us at #FridayFrivolity this week!

  10. great look , I would enjoy dating you at least 69 times in this look

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