Finding Gems in the Rubble & Link Up On the Edge #107
I know I have been sharing a lot recently about my Bipolar journey and I apologize if the topic is becoming redundant. You see, writing about it is the healthiest way I have learned to cope with it. Writing has been my main source of therapy since the very beginning. It allows for a process of purging. All of the destructive thoughts and internal demons get expelled by memorializing them into actual words. It’s a paradox of sorts…giving them life is the only way I can destroy them.
I used to only write about it in my private journals, feeling like it was just too dark and fucked up to share with anyone, especially with anyone who seemingly has a “normal” brain. It’s weird how those handwritten journals remain under lock and key hidden from the eyes of all humanity. In fact, no one has ever read them. Even I am afraid to revisit the words that are confined therein. Yet, here I am, years later spilling it all out to the world in a very public forum. I suppose that is a sign of the extraordinary healing that has come to pass over the decades.
Yet even though I have made leaps and bounds and traveled very far on this healing journey, it has become vividly apparent that I am not completely healed. In recent weeks, I have become acutely aware that a diseased brain will remain as such forever. There is no cure for Bipolar Disorder. It stays with you for your entire life. You may be wondering what has caused this uncomfortable revelation to occur just as I have been wondering what has caused this intense cycle back into a darkness that I have not seen in nearly a decade.
Through the process of self introspection and writing it down, I have been able to at least identify a starting point, a trigger, of where it all began to spiral somewhat out of my control. It was back in the Spring when I had suffered an emotionally traumatic event in my life. I will not go into the details of that event because there were way too many people involved in that hot mess to share any details at all. I would like to protect them from having to revisit the chaos. From what I can tell (I have no contact with any of them to know for sure), they have all rebounded back to their comfortable status quo. And good for them, I will leave well enough alone. But the impact the event had on me seems to have much more pervading and longer lasting effects. This could be the result of the way a Bipolar brain processes emotional trauma or it could be the result that I was the one player in the game that really did suffer the most damage. But the reason is really inconsequential, the fact remains that I am still processing the aftermath.
As I dig through the rubble left from the resulting destruction, I am slowly uncovering tiny little gems of knowledge. I am becoming more astute at recognizing them for what they are. At first, I was afraid I would become cynical and angry and untrusting. But instead, I am realizing that while I may view the world and people and relationships much differently now, I have not become cynical. I make different decisions because I am better informed. I have gained more clarity, stronger vision, and a much more realistic outlook on human nature. And human nature, unfortunately, is very confusing indeed.
To put it bluntly and try to make clear how severe the impact was on me and why I was left so astoundingly confused, I came out of the situation feeling psychologically raped. I really don’t know how else to describe it. I felt as if my soul were penetrated without my permission. I felt emotionally and mentally manipulated as boundaries were crossed and blurred and erased in a way that they never should be in human relationships. And in the confusion that resulted, I have been trying to figure how I allowed such a thing to happen in the first place. I wonder where I went wrong, how I didn’t see it happening, what I could have done differently to prevent it, and why it happened in the first place. And what I am left with is no clue at all how to answer my own questions.
The next step in my journey is getting comfortable with no answer and letting it go. Part of the human condition is an undying need for explanation, for reason, for logic and understanding. None of us are immune to that desire for rational and definitive evidence and concrete meaning in everything that baffles us. We seek it endlessly and all too often come up empty-handed and disappointed. For me, the next necessary step in healing is finding a way to be comfortable with the irrationality and paradoxical meanings that exist abundantly in this world and in life and more specifically in the situation that I have been discussing. The final act in finding peace is being able to say with conviction, “I accept this thing for what it is without explanation or reason. And I am okay with that.”
I don’t know that I have reached a point of complete acceptance yet, but I have gained the awareness that I need to get there. And any step forward is a step in the right direction. As I continue to process my journey through my writing, I hope to one day reach that place of ultimate peace. I do feel very near to that end. That gives me hope. And sometimes hope is all you need to keep fighting forward. So when you find yourself buried in the rubble, just keep searching for those gems of wisdom that will enlighten you. They are more valuable than you may even realize.
These past few weeks have been very dark and chaotic inside my head as I tried time and again to find reason where reason apparently does not exist. While I was searching for something that simply was not there, I was propelling myself face first into a Bipolar tornado. As I reach the end of writing this post, I have gained extraordinary insight into this particular mood episode. And now I can jump out of the tornado directly into the sun. Thank God! Because I have been in a living hell.
I want to thank my husband for remaining steadfast and patient, always my rock. I want to thank my children for bearing with mommy’s crazy. Hopefully some day they will understand it better and will forgive all the times they had to hear, “Please, Mommy just doesn’t feel well right now.” And I want to thank you all, my readers, my friends, for traveling with me on this journey. Without the knowledge that my words are reaching someone, I would not have the incentive to write at all. I don’t know if you gain anything at all by following my journey, but at least I can leave you with concrete evidence of the wonderful healing powers of writing!
And now your featured favorites from last week.
Carrie of A Stylish Fit shared her post, Found: The Denim Skirt. And it should more aptly be titled “Found: The Perfect Denim Skirt”. I love Carrie’s classic styling with this pretty off the shoulder top and easy black sandals. It is a blissfully “summer” outfit.
Maria of Passion Fruit, Paws and Peonies also shared a denim and white outfit in her post, Denim and Lace Outfits for Women Over 40. Maria’s styling of white and denim is so pretty and feminine with her lacy flowing top and crisply creased denim. This is the perfect outfit for transition into Fall.
Keeping it on the edge (without falling off),
Shelbee
Linking up with these Fabulous Link Ups.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
I am a midlife woman, wife, and stay-at-home mother of 2 boys and 2 cats. I have a passion for helping other women feel fabulous in the midst of this crazy, beautiful life.
53 Comments
Maria | passion fruit, paws and peonies
Shelbee, I don’t know what to say. Living with Bipolar must be challenging to say the least. I admire you so much for trying so hard to understand your condition. It’s wonderful that you have a network of loving family around you who understand. I hope it subsides soon and gives you some much needed peace my friend. Thank you so much for the feature Shelbee, for making time to be a friend to me, and for being such an inspiration! xx
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Maria, thank you so much! I hope I am not coming off as whining about it! It really can be challenging some days but for the most part, my life is great! Just sometimes, like recently, this Bipolar business has snuck up on me and is presenting some challenges. Nothing I can’t handle though! I so appreciate your friendship and your kind and supportive words! Thank you.
xoxo
Shelbee
Fonda @Savvy Southern Chic
I applaud your efforts to process and deal with your situation. I know some who just use similar issues as an excuse. Hold on and keep moving!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Fonda, thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words! I will keep moving forward, that’s for sure. It’s what I do best…fumble and fall but always in a forward direction! Have a wonderful weekend.
xoxo
Shelbee
Tamar A Strauss-Benjamin
I love how open you are with us all and your spirit! Have a fantastic weekend, Shelbee!!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Tamar, thank you so much for that! I hope you have a wonderful weekend, too.
xoxo
Shelbee
Kellyann Rohr
Oh Shelbee, I am glad you have this space to write in and it’s so cathartic. You are not only helping yourself but others too. I get so unnerved by events with others sometimes and feel attacked – and it’s so hard to move past. I think I let it go and then BAM! There it is back on my mind and keeping me up at night. As much as I try to avoid toxic people and drama the reality is sometimes they’re unavoidable and my actions are the only ones I can control. But I still feel hurt and betrayed and that is hard to come to terms with. Sure wish we lived closer so we could talk over coffee my friend – and that husband of yours is definitely a KEEPER!
xo,
Kellyann
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Kellyann, I cannot thank you enough for these words and for your friendship! I wish we lived closer, too! Coffee dates would be amazing. I actually haven’t been able to go to my weekly girls’ coffee dates all summer because of the kids and I think I need it! Women who empower and support each other are so necessary especially when we are often surrounded by women who do the opposite. I am so glad that I have this space to share and process as well and I feel so blessed to have so many wonderful people who read it and respond with such love and kindness. My husband is definitely a keeper and so are YOU, my friend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Kathrine Eldridge
I think you writing out your feelings here is the best medicine. It’s a way of giving it to God and letting go. So great! Dying over this kimono and those heels are incredible! One of my favorite looks on you.
https://www.kathrineeldridge.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Kathrine, thank you so much! I suppose the entire writing process is somewhat like my religion and my therapy all combined into one. I live by words and their meaning. It is the way I give life to my abstract thoughts and process it all out. Purging and giving it up, for sure. And I think this is one of my favorite looks that I have ever styled, too!
xoxo
Shelbee
Nina
I can relate to your discription of how it feels when a situation blows up. Trying to make sense of the hows and whys of it all. And of course, there’s the cleanup…the pushing forward inspite of things…I am one who likes to take good long looks at what happened, and how so I don’t repeat my mistakes, nor let the fear and hurt hold me back from shining my light. Humans are an interesting bunch, and where ever they gather in groups, there is always drama, misunderstandings and other stuff. It’s just the way life is. I am grateful for your bringing your journey to us, we are all the better for it. Hugs, Nina
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Nina, I cannot express enough gratitude to you for this wonderful comment and insight. Humans are for sure an interesting bunch and we really do like to confuse ourselves and all the things around us, don’t we?! We can make simplicity complex and we can make the easy difficult…strange beings, indeed. Now it is time for me to just be comfortable in the knowledge that our species will forever remain inexplicable!
xoxo
Shelbee
Susan Hinesley
Shelbee, thanks so much for sharing your insights. I copied several quotes, and plan to share them with a friend who could really use the advice you gave out so generously today. Hope you are feeling better!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Susan, thank you so much for finding value in my words. I do hope they can provide some insight and help your friend in need. I am feeling so much better today. The writing process is so cathartic for me…sometimes it just takes a few different episodes of writing to get it all processed. I hope you have a wonderful weekend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Suzy Turner
I love that writing has been the thing to help your healing process, Shelbee. As a writer myself, I know how therapeutic it can be.
You look absolutely beautiful by the way. This is just another colour that is perfect on you!
Hugs,
Suzy xx
http://www.suzyturner.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Suzy, thank you so very much, my friend! Now if I could rid myself of the overwhelming fear of attempting to compile all of this writing into book form, I would feel really great about myself! Why is that so intimidating?!
xoxo
Shelbee
Suzy Turner
Don’t be afraid to write it, Shelbee! As soon as you start, you’ll know it’s the right thing to do. What is that saying, “feel the fear and do it anyway?’ 😉
Suzy xxx
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Yes, Suzy, that is the saying…feel the fear and do it anyway! Thank you so much…for inspiring and empowering and encouraging me! I am blessed to call you friend!
xoxo
Shelbee
jacqui berry
I adore this colour, it looks super on you Hun. Thanks for hosting and sharing. Jacqui Mummabstylish
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thank you so much, Jacqui! Have a wonderful weekend.
xoxo
Shelbee
jodie filogomo
You are always so incredible at sharing your story, Shelbee. And you just never know how it might help others going through the same thing.
XOXO
Jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Jodie, thank you so very much. I really do hope that I am not spilling it out all over the internet and it not reach and help someone who could benefit from it! In any event, it helps me heal, so that is a huge benefit. But I’m not that selfish…I need it to help others in the process. Thank you always for your support, my friend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Rachael Thomas
Shelbee, I love your kimono, and you look beautiful! I also love your honesty and openness. Not only is writing therapeutic for yourself, but you never know who may read this post, and have it help them too!
Rachael
http://www.threadsforthomasblog.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Rachael, thank you so very much! It is a very therapeutic process, for sure. And I really do hope it can help someone else who may not have a voice or a forum to do the same!
xoxo
Shelbee
Nancy Baten
I think you are doing a great job. Not only for yourself, but for others! The colour of that kimono is fantastic on you!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Nancy, thank you so much! I appreciate more than you know. And this might be one of my favorite kimonos now because of the color!
xoxo
Shelbee
Jessica A Jannenga
First,
What a beautiful kimono on you. I love the vibrant magenta shade and florals. You have a sweet shoe collection too! I wanted to let you know I read your post on bi-polar and coping. Although I do not have BP, but suffer from depression and anxiety at times, I think you steps on how you deal with it is very relatable to these conditions as well. Thank you.
Also just to let you know, i write on other midlife topics and things that i am thinking about on my Friday’s posts if you want to stop by sometime 🙂 I enjoy writing as well. 🙂
Have a great weekend!
jess xx
http://www.elegantlydressedandstylish.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Jess, thanks so much for this! It is so validating to know that my words are reaching and helping people. I agree that those steps definitely help with depression and anxiety, too. I have been wanting to write a similar post about coping with panic attacks/anxiety, but maybe I don’t need to…maybe it is just the same as I have already written. And I will definitely pop on by today. Another thing on my list of to-do’s is to get to visit my favorite blogs more often than just once a week. But man, life can just run away with the time, can’t it!? Thank you for the heads up though…I look forward to seeing what topics you are addressing. God knows, I need all the help I can get!
xoxo
Shelbee
Patrick Weseman
Just want to say that you are a inspiration to a lot of people by being so honest with everything. Many are not. Very cool. As usual, you look great. Thanks for hosting and I hope that you have a wonderful weekend.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Patrick, thank you so much for that. It really does mean a lot to receive that kind of validation. It is scary to put all of one’s demons into the public eye. It is redeeming to know that it is helping other people. I hope you have a wonderful weekend1
xoxo
Shelbee
Elizabeth Ramsey
So sorry that things have been tougher of late. Writing really can be so therapeutic and I’m glad you have an outlet that helps you. Keep fighting, brighter/easier days ahead!
Betsy | NattyGal.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Betsy, thanks so much! I don’t want to give the impression that I am whining or complaining about how tough it sometimes gets. Everyone has tough times! I just hope that by sharing how I process it all and get through it can help someone else who may be struggling. While it has been a bit rough of late, it is nothing that I cannot handle! Thanks so much for your support and encouragement! I appreciate it more than you know.
xoxo
Shelbee
Cheryl Shops
Shelbee, never apologize for speaking your truth! First of all, this is your blog and you can say whatever you want. 🙂 Secondly, the more we talk about mental health, the less stigma it will have. I applaud you for being so honest—I wish more people had the courage to do so!
Cheryl Shops | http://www.cherylshops.net
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Cheryl, thank you! You are right…it’s my space and I can do what I want with it! Ha. And my mission 3 years ago when I began tis blogging journey was to share my mental health story in the hopes that I cannot help someone. So I will continue sharing…without apology!
xoxo
Shelbee
ROBIN LAMONTE
Shelbee,
Thank you for being so open and honest about your journey with bipolar disorder.
I hope you surround yourself with positive people and positive thoughts always!
Hugs,
Robin
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Robin, thank you so much! I definitely am surrounded by positive people. I am getting better with age in keeping away from the negativity as much as I can!
xoxo
Shelbee
Edwige
You are so brave and I admire you for sharing your journey with us. You don’t know how many people you can inspire in way or another so please don’t apologize. I wish you nothing but joy and happiness!
Edwige | http://www.hypnozglam.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Edwige, thank you so much! I appreciate that validation…it is what keeps me going on this journey of sharing. I do hope it can help someone. Have a great weekend!
xoxo
Shelbee
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Edwige, thank you so much! I appreciate that validation…it is what keeps me going on this journey of sharing. I do hope it can help someone. Have a great weekend!
xoxo
Shelbee
FancyBoy
Writing can be extremely therapeutic. Sharing your story can really help. You look amazing in all the pics!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thank you so much! I really appreciate that. Have a great weekend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Tina von Tinaspinkfriday
You look great Shelbee. A wonderful summertime style:)
Have a lovely weekend!
XOXO Tina
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Tina! Have a great weekend.
xoxo
Shelbee
Susan
Good for you Shelbee, for resisting the urge to become cynical. And for your fabulous writing about BP. I frequently think I have it figured out, but of course I don’t. And your posts bring me a different perspective than my own, which is always a good thing.
cyn·i·cal
ˈsinək(ə)l/Submit
adjective
1.
believing that people are motivated by self-interest; distrustful of human sincerity or integrity.
By this definition, I am quite cynical, and have always been that way. I do believe that most people are motivated by self interest, either knowingly or unknowingly. However, when I see/feel sincerity or integrity, I respect it and admire it. I think this attitude has saved me more than once. I’ve learned to trust my instincts, and since I cannot respect anyone who lacks integrity, I am spared some of the heartache that ensues when I encounter lesser mortals. I realize that last statement sounds pompous, but for me, it works, and allows me to accept there are people I just don’t want to know. And to deal with those people without getting hurt, or thrown into a bipolar tornado. That is my gem I’ve found amidst the rubble.
Of course I love your kimono, and those shoes are to die for!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Susan, thank you for sharing your gem with me…it is quite a valuable one indeed and one that I will also add to my collection of useful lessons. And I don’t see how self preservation can be viewed as pompous at all. So you keep doing what is best for you. In striving to be the best versions of ourselves, we are effectively making the world a better place…one person at a time.
xoxo
Shelbee
Paul
Keep being the strong beautiful woman that you are, and getting out of the tornado, ,you have a great support system
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Paul, thank you very much! I really do appreciate your kind and supportive words.
xoxo
Shelbee
Lauren Sparks
As always, I love your honesty and bravery, Shelbee. laurensparks.net
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Lauren, thank you so much! I really do appreciate that.
xoxo
Shelbee
Claire
Sorry to read what you have been going through Shelbee. I do not really know much about this but you sound like you are going in the right direction. It is great you are writing about what you are going through so you can help yourself and others xx
– Love your kimono, what a great colour. Thanks for sharing at The Wednesday Blog Hop 🙂
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Claire, thanks so much for your kind words. And although you may not know much about these issues, you are helping eliminate the shame and stigma attached simply by joining the conversation! So thank you for that…it is very important to me to be able to raise awareness on topics of mental health.
xoxo
Shelbee
Bojana Krienke
Keep on writing girl. If it helps you heel that’s important and I bet someone read this in “just the right” moment to help them through something as well. I crave answers, explinagions, reasons, but sometimes we just have to accept there isn’t one as you mentioned. Great post and beautiful photographs. Absolutely beautiful.
bosbodaciousblog.blogspot.ca
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thank you so much, Bo! I really appreciate that validation for what I do. It truly is a process coming to grips with the fact that there are so many things we will never understand about people and the world. And I really do hope that my processing this in writing can help someone else reach a place of peace and acceptance as well.
xoxo
Shelbee